The more time I spend with myself and my thoughts I'm uncovering the truth. I'm relearning confidence. I don't think it was something that I ever really had, but instead a sum of the things that surrounded me. As a teenager it was my friends. As a younger woman complex relationships, Love, college, and up until recently my never ending goal chase.
I may never have been confident in just myself... Without attachments. Yes those things are apart of me, And have contributed to the woman I am, But without them... In a room alone. Without titles or comfortable friendships ... Who is DoNesha?
This is my current journey. And it doesn't feel like too difficult a task or an uphill battle at all...
It's more like uncovering some kind of treasure that's been locked away ... Unlocking my next level.
At some time in life all of us reach this point. Women and men, some sooner than others, but ultimately when its our turn. You realize all of this around me doesn't define who I am. Not a degree, for sure not a social media page, not my job, none of these titles or even my family. Having a solid foundation for all your parts to coincide is scary, but without it nothing else will really work.
My ego wanted me to keep up the facade, but in exchange for more then what I could give. I remember a time when being alone in stillness gave me so much anxiety. In those moments I couldn't do anything but scroll through other people's "Perfect Life", shame myself and God for mine not being exactly how I planned it to be..... and eventually cry myself to sleep. So to numb all of this bullshit I had to be on the go, and it didn't matter where; as long as it wasn't just me and my thoughts. Barely sleeping, eating like crap, criticizing my already small frame, giving too much money away to the club.
Lessons and blessings. After awhile my body said this is enough. Listen to your body. When your mind is on go and your heart is on tired. She'll be the deciding factor. Without the body moving happy and healthy the "go" can only get so far.
Deciding to dig deeper is the choice I'm currently making.
Let me be transparent,
I don't know who I am alone. I'm very much still figuring that part out. But what I know for sure is..
I hope this woman is bolder
With a voice that is strong instead of loud
Her best self, allowing that to change whenever it needs to
Less anxious, more prayerful
Cries when necessary and still apologizes when others wouldn't.
Pushes less, waits more
And Leads by stepping back only to redesign the manuscript and teach someone else everything she's learned