Signed a Perfectionist - Unedited with a Hell of alot of Errors. An Oxymoron.
striving for flawlessness and setting high performance standards, accompanied by critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others' evaluations - uhhhh Wikipedia
Story of my fucking life. Sorry, I'm an educated lady. But I'll also be 27 next month so ... story of MY FUCKING LIFE!
Don't excuse my french unless you've actually been to france. I'm Just saying. ( hidden talent - the ability to laugh at one's own jokes)
Some call it Imposter Syndrome. Idk if this is a clinical diagnosis, (see there I go) But it does exist. Google it, better yet, YouTube it you millenial.
Imposter (out of place, a visitor). Or Syndrome (innate, not my fault, something that can be fixed).
A miss fortune of highly qualified individuals who believe they are not good enough. You might call it insecure, not quite. Insecure doesnt birth scholars, CEO'S's, Presidents, and Directors. Overachiever? mm possibly.
Here I am, another night of planning. Not out loud but in my head, as always. How to fix, create, and make life better. As if it already hasn't been a gift. I often talk about my struggle with the picture that is perfect. I don't have a clue when this complex will go away. Possibly the first time I hold my future son.. that will easily be perfection. Until then it'll have to be a learned skill. To accept the things I cannot change. Blah blah, sounds nice I know.
Hey, don't get me wrong, I love my career, and my choice to pursue higher education. Academia excites me. I'm good at it. Processing ideas, the pathophysiology of the body, the breakdown of words or constructing of sentences to make something ordinary sound blissful but completely left to one's own imagination and interpretation. ughhhh it makes me tingle!
Not to mention that Idleness bores me, and heightens my need to plan more. The only time I can handle not working towards something , ANYTHING (such a fein) is when I'm on vacation. Lies. My last trip to Cuba I took tons of videos with the hope of getting video content up on dtinsleys'. Fail. The editing process sucks, and travel vlogs are not my thing. Another rant another day. I attribute some of this perfectionistic complex to the people that depend on me. People who need me to have life all figured out.
The other night after what was suppose to be a run in the park I found myself sitting in the park booo hooing like a 1 year old. Somewhere between the tears and my rollercoaster of emotions I was trying to explain that I don't have time to sit back and let life just happen! What if we end up right back where we started! The reality is that probably won't happen. Still, it's one of my biggest fears. I'll look and find myself googling the nearest food pantry and washing dishes in the bathtub.
So here's my plan
Shutup I already said I was a planner!
The blessing of being a woman in 2018 is that I can say "FAILURE TERRIFIRES ME & GOOD ISN'T ENOUGH"
I'm not ashamed that I body every dream and goal that I have for the sake of family. I look forward to the discussions I'll have with my son letting him know just how good he has it. Because, WHEN I WAS GROWING UP!
My intent here was not to boost my own ego or pat myself on the back, even though sometimes that is necessary. It's to say I know what it feels like to carry the world on your shoulders and forget it's there because you've gotten so use to holding it. I started dTinsleys' because I needed to see a place on the internet / social media that was transparant, honest, and real. I have the pretty travel trips on my Instagram too but that's not the end goal. Everyday is a work in progress, to be better, not for others but for myself and for my family. That caption probably wouldn't get alot of likes, but F likes, I love real life.
Breathe, Indulge, and trust that the makings of life will always meet you halfway.
A Perfectionist. An Analyst. An Overachiever.